My nipple is on Facebook.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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