I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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