so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
