hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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