I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
