Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
