We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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