If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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