I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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