I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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