I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
