I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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