I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
