I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Can you bring me the toilet please
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
