I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she smelled like a LAN party
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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