Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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