I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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