I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
