I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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