Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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