You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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