So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
