Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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