Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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