I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
