If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I have fence marks all over my body
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
