living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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