Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize