Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
