Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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