does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
