the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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