Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
