I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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