My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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