you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
