Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
