So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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