How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Terrible idea I love it
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
