I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
