I have demons in me.
zippers are such a cool invention
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
