was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
