you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Even my vagina gasped.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
