glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
