Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
