We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
