i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
