hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
