I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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