dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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