Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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