I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
