I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
