You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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