My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
