I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
