Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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